On being agender
Coming out as agender has been a sort of homecoming… Growing up, I got called “tom boy” because I didn’t fit the easy box of what a girl was told to be. It wasn’t that I was opposed to “girlie” things, but they also didn’t fit me. When I think of myself, regardless of age or point of life, gender just hasn’t been a factor in my identity.
Agender wasn’t a term I grew up with, but upon hearing it, reflecting about it — I just knew it fit. I am agender.
What exactly is agender?
Agender means someone who doesn’t identify with or as a particular gender. It’s along the lines of gender null, and sometimes also non-binary, genderfluid, or genderqueer. For me, though, those last three still feel like they still incorporate an essence of being gendered. Gender just doesn’t fit for me. It’s not a factor in my sense of who I am.
The closest I’ve felt to associating with a gender has been in an anti-patriarchy tie to womanhood. However, in that, I still would be very non-binary. Gender itself is a social construct, and personally I do not feel bound to any particular end of that.
My gender identity, in which this order does implicate the hierarchy, is:
Agender non-binary woman.
But how can you identify as a woman and agender or non-binary?
Easily, actually. For me, being a woman is less about gender or my body. It’s about a shared cultural experience, a shared history. Being a woman, to me, is how I’ve been coded by society. I’m sure as more come to know me as an agender individual, I might identify less as a woman. But I might not change how I identify.
Gender is and always has been a social construct. It is defined by society. Inherently, there is nothing wrong with any gender — until, you know, society interferes and decides to place one higher than the others, to make it dominate, the “norm” or baseline that all other genders are judged. This is what we call the patriarchy. It’s the system that decided that those identified as male, and more importantly, cishet white males, should be the controlling and ruling group.
But… you don’t look agender…
Funny thing: there is no one or proper way to look like (or be) a gender. Just because I am agender, or non-binary, it does not mean that I owe anyone androgyny. I will likely still present feminine. I like dresses and skirts — but again, clothing isn’t gendered. I like fitted clothes and my body happens to have boobs. None of this make me female. It doesn’t matter how I (or anyone else) dresses, talks, cuts their hair, or anything else.
So are you queer/gay now?
So the thing about the hetero/homosexual binary of sexuality is that it’s limiting and of course a binary. Heterosexuality is defined as a sexual attraction to the “opposite” gender, while homosexuality is the “same” gender attraction. What is the opposite of agender? Pangender? Gender fluid? What does that really look like? So at this point — hetero/homosexuality doesn’t really fit for me. (Am I being a little pedantic? Maybe.)
I do, however, have a genital preference (which is exactly what it sounds like), but I do not have a gender preference. I do not care at all what people identify as — which might be a part of my agender-ness. Gender just isn’t in the forefront of my mind. When it comes to my genital preference, though, that’s something between me and whomever I plan to have a sexual relationship with. I’m still on the asexual spectrum (aceflux with demi tendencies), and yeah, sure, you can call me queer.
What do we actually call you?
Rini. My pronouns are she/they. I prefer to reserve she for people who know me (and know that I am agender), and in public settings (work, news, etc) they should be used. In many ways, I’m still a sister, I’m still an aunt… but those titles feel like more than just a gendered description of a relationship. I don’t know what it is, but I’m kind of excited about being a dad when I adopt. These terms have been gendered for so long, but why do they have to be? While with people who know me, I don’t necessarily mind being referred to as she/her — I don’t solely want to be gendered. I want to be introduced as my parent’s child, as a sibling, as Buppy Rini, as they.
So much of our world is still constrained to the gender binary. Honestly, I kind of hate it. Clothing, makeup, deodorant, razors, shampoos… none of these things should be gendered. Non-binary private bathrooms should be common place. (Honestly, yes, I’m still going to use the women’s bathroom because I have 0 patience for being vulnerable around a group of capital M Men. In different situations, depending on how safe it is, maybe I wouldn’t care. But our society just isn’t there yet, and I like my health and body to be unharmed.)
You’re welcome to ask me some more questions, though respect my right to decline to answer or put forth the emotional labor of explaining my identity.
I’m not an expert on all things agender. I’m just Rini, a person who happens to be agender. And I couldn’t be happier to be out.